Inside My Mind: Being Bipolar

If you don’t know me that well, or if I’ve never told you, I have Bipolar Disorder II. I’ve been told by a lot of people that they’d never guess that about me and say that I’m just as “normal” as everyone else. Hehe, I’m “normal!!” Yippie! Well, actually, my normal is on the normal side…I guess I picked that up as a “survival mechanism” growing up, since I didn’t know I was bipolar until about four years ago.

Bipolar disorder manifests in so many different ways that it’s almost funny comparing people who have it. Some might be extreme in their mood changes and others might turn into a completely different person. It is estimated that 2-7% of people in the United States of America suffer from the disorder and that nearly 10 million people will end up developing it. It is also estimated that among these 10 million people, about 50% will never be correctly diagnosed or treated.

How sad is that? Now, I know a lot of people think…well they’re just giving names for disorders for everything! But knowing the amount of research and studies that go into this, and actually experiencing it myself, I call that statement poppycock. This disorder is not typical in the least, but there is one definite symptom everyone with it goes through, the changing from mania to depression.

As I said before, some people can be quick about it. They are your typical idea of what bipolar is: happy one minute and sad the next. But more often than not, it’s not the case. I’m going to describe to you my transition period from mania to depression and how it affects my mind and body and my relationships with my family, friends, and fiancée. Keep in mind that this is my experience, and this is not intended to diagnose anyone (blah blah medical disclaimer) or claim that this is typical by any means.

Where I Usually Am

On any normal day I am usually in the manic stage. The manic phase is characterized by symptoms including irritability, grandiosity, loss of need to sleep or insomnia, and a predisposition for irrational and unfair judgment of situations and others….“officially,” anyways. I suppose these characterizations are correct on a larger scale. When I’m in the manic stage, which I usually am most of the time, I feel like I’m on top of the world.

This is where I get my infamous self esteem, because the manic phase makes you feel invincible. My mind goes on for miles a minute and sometimes I can’t even sleep because there is so much going on in my head…mindless chatter. I drift into thought when I drive and blank out, often becoming distracted if I’m not completely focusing. I think on an idea and it melts into something else and these things just have to come out. They HAVE to. It’s like my brain has a personality of its own and it’s dying to come out and show the world all of its colors.

Sometimes my brain can be a dick.

Sometimes (actually, most of them time) the world hates my colors. Does my brain care? Nooooo. Let’s shove more and more of my special rainbows down their throats, that oughtta do it! Ahem. While it’s not that extreme, sometimes I feel like my ideas and thoughts just need to get the fuck out of my head and onto someone else’s plate….let them deal with it for a while. Give me a break!

See, there are certain things I want to do in my life. There are certain ways I think which involves facts, research, and logic…completely void from any emotion at all. I’ve learned throughout my life that when you let your heart into ANYTHING, nothing but pain and disappointment follow. Therefore, any kind of thought, idea, or belief is based purely on either experience or scientific facts. Most people don’t like that, and I have many enemies today because of it. I’ve had many arguments because of the lack of emotion I put into things and the fact that I’m not changing. This has given me immense pressure and extreme anxiety problems…but more on that later.

Round of applause for my brain for thinking of crazy, obscene things, and round of applause for science and my own life for backing it up. Oh well, you win some, you lose some, right? I’m stubborn because I have to be. I’ve spent years building up my self-worth and I’m not about to just throw it all away in the appeasement of others. This is all done for a reason…because the manic me doesn’t want to be killed by the depressive me.

Which brings me to the transition of the depression phase.

Yay!

You know those kinds of days when you stand outside and you can see the clouds rolling in, smell rain in the air and feel gusts of wind pushing against you? The signs of an impending storm can be fearful for some and exciting for others. Me? I love a good storm. Sometimes, I love my own storm, too.

I can feel the depression coming, so it’s not like “BAM!” when it does set in. Sometimes I welcome it with open arms! Strange, I know, but most of the time I’ve been in the manic phase for so long..months, even, that I’m so tired and so worn out I could use the break that the depression gives me. Other times, I beg for it not to come because it is manifesting during an important part of my life. This has even led me to lose work that could have been a life changing career. You win some, you lose some, right?

I can’t exactly explain how I know it’s coming…but everything slows down. Almost like when you’re shit-faced drunk. Life is going on so damn fast and then suddenly everything is a blur, the room spins, and all I want to do is sleep, eat, and throw up (yum!). This phase of reduction can last anywhere between a couple hours to a couple weeks, but when it’s done I’m in my full stage of depression and I can either relax or ruin my life (yet again).

When I’m depressed, I would say the number one symptom I experience is uncontrollable and spontaneous crying fits. This usually happens at night or when I’m driving, but I’m mostly alone every time it happens, and it sucks. It sucks so hard, but the sleep that comes afterwards is just as rewarding.

Imagine yourself on a thrill ride. A really fast, twisting and turning, bumpy thrill ride. Then imagine it stops, and you can get off, walk with wobbly legs and relax with a sort of high. This is the best way I can describe it and its affect on me. My mind stops, the ideas stop, the fast paced thrill stops. I want to do nothing but lay in bed, watch TV and think of NOTHING. Like the peace and quiet new mothers get when their babies fall asleep after a day of crying and fits…sweet, peaceful silence.

I don’t do anything, I don’t see anyone, I don’t talk or message people unless they message me first or call. I have difficulty leaving my room or socializing with my family. I think that they must think I’m being a bitch…antisocial or hateful. But I’m fighting my own demons by shutting down my brain and my body and letting it repair itself before the next bought of mania comes back just at the right time and saves itself before the depression takes its state of nothingness too far. Sometimes I wish it would…other times I wish I were the average normal…

But who wants to be average anyways? I still have people who love me for who I am, bipolar disorder and all. That is all I need. <3

Stay strong and love on!