To Tell or Not to Tell

So you’re in a long distance relationship; a strong, long term, long distance relationship. While you’re going about your daily business, you see other people and their significant others together…happy. Then one day, for the first time, someone asks you if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. And you stumble on your words and think “My God, what will they think of me?” or “What a rude question. It’s none of their business!”

But you can’t just ignore whoever it is asking the question. So you need to figure out if you care what they might think or not. Answering “Yes” will bring about a series of questions, so be prepared to answer them if you want to be truthful. Who is it? What’s s/he like? Where is s/he from? You met where? How do you know this isn’t some like 50 year old fat pervert? How do you know s/he isn’t cheating? Have you even ever met face to face? What does your family think? Are you going to move there?  I could seriously write a book!

If you aren’t truthful (and you don’t have to be) you need to be prepared to answer the questions that follow. Why not? Have you ever dated before? What kinds of people do you like? I have a friend, do you want to meet? Do you want to go out with me? Why don’t you go out and have fun? Do you spend all your time alone? I’ve heard them all. They all suck.

Even in today’s age of technology people are still wary of those who are in long distance relationships. We see commercials for Match.com and even specific sites like ChristianMingle.com and BlackPeopleMeet.com all the time, but it is still a new idea for most people to meet an actual person through the internet and to fall in love with them, even if the two people aren’t physically together. Some of them are the naysayers that need a physical attraction to fall in love and hate those that can’t, others are more open minded and are willing to accept the idea, even though they wouldn’t do it themselves. And that’s more than okay, because long distance relationships are not for everyone. 

If you are in a long distance relationship and you haven’t “come out” or been asked specifically about it, now is the time to think about what your answers to some possible questions might be, and how much you are willing to tell. Yes, it is nobody’s business what your love life entails, and if you feel strongly this way you’re going to have to risk being an ass and just saying “Yes/No, I’d rather not talk about that as it’s a personal matter.” If it’s an acquaintance they’ll more than likely understand, albeit be a bit hurt/embarrassed at their prying. If it’s a friend, they may push and prod for answers. And if its family, they will certainly be hurt and angry that you aren’t sharing that kind of information with them. But it’s ultimately up to you and the kind of grief you want to put yourself in.

Me? I used to hide it when I was a lot younger. I was 13 when I met my fiancée and we got “together” two days before my 14^th birthday. Being young, I knew that it wouldn’t be as socially acceptable as it is now that I’m 21, and when I finally did come out to more than my best friend, I received a LOT of nasty and rude comments about it. He’s fake. What a loser. I’ll bet its some pervert child molester. I’ll bet he cheats on you. You know, the same kind of mean comments kids make to each other, but on a different topic other than how fat or ugly I was.

Because I’ve gone through the questioning and the interrogations, I know the answer to pretty much any question curious people can come up with. And it’s okay, I like answering questions and educating people and sharing that side of me. Fuck, I’m in love! When you’re in love you want everyone to know! Especially in social settings when “players” think they have a shot with you. It’s nice to be able to say “I’m spoken for” and leave it at that and enjoy the rest of your night. Some assholes might have negative comments like premature adolescents, but most people are polite.

In fact, most people are excited to hear about my tales. I suppose that is why I started this blog. There is a lot more to a long distance relationship than just a few superficial “ily” text messages and “cyber sex.” They are fascinated with the places I’ve been and seen and the kind of food I’ve eaten and people I’ve met…and I love sharing it.

Don’t be hurt by other’s opinions of your personal life…it’s YOUR life. But don’t assume the worst in people either. Yes there are assholes, but the ones who are genuinely interested and are excited for your happiness make all the different in the world…

Stay strong and love on!

Are You Taking Things Too Fast?

If you have to ask the question “Am I taking things too fast?” then you probably are. A majority of us know the excitement of getting a new boy/girlfriend, especially if it’s your first or if you’ve been single for a looooooong time. But let me give you a piece of very good advice: Take. Your. Time. Nothing screams bad relationship like two people going all out and saying those three words after only knowing each other for a week.

First, ask yourself what you want. If you are going for just a fling, make that clear to your partner and never veer off course. If you are looking for love and a long term relationship, also make that clear to your partner, but only after you’ve made it clear to yourself AFTER getting to know the person you are interested in. Why? Every good romantic relationship starts out as a friendship. You HAVE to be friends before you can be lovers, else there will be disaster.

Let me introduce you to my friends, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. Ever heard of them? They’re the chemicals in our bodies that release during…romantic activity…that make you feel in love. That butterflies in the stomach, nervous, happy, and thrilling feeling you get that makes you think “this could be the one.” But shouldn’t we trust our bodies when it comes to this? Isn’t this a sign that we have found true love? Well, not exactly. Consider it a form of species survival. It is only natural to want to procreate because nature wants our lineage to continue. Therefore, our bodies crave the ecstatic feelings of romance so that we can pass on our genes and continue the circle of life.

Well, it’s not 10,000 BC anymore and we’re a bit evolved to where we don’t need to just hop into any person’s arms for the sake of having offspring. So what you have now is a scumbag brain that just confuses everything we have made mating out to be. That’s okay, though, as long as you’re able to conquer your brain and use it to your advantage.

After you know what you want, you need to tell promise yourself that you will take the time your future relationship needs to get to know your person and become their friend before mutually moving on. Learn their name, where they live and grew up, where they went to school, their favorite types of music and movies, how they feel on certain controversial and political issues, their religion or lack thereof, their favorite food, their hobbies…everything! How can you love someone when you do not know anything about them? How can you love someone even if you took five minutes to ask these things but have only known them for a week? Two weeks? A month?

Read this, reread this, and then read it again: If your friendship cannot last, neither will your romantic relationship. You need to learn how to distinguish love and lust. Acting upon your lust will make you falsely feel in love. When that happens, you’re just entering into a world of misery. Don’t do it. Ignore your bodies primal instinct and drive to mate. Be evolved, and take all the time in the world to get to know your interest before engaging in any romance. If they push and urge you to do it, get out. Because they aren’t on the same wavelength as you and they never will be. Likewise, you need to respect their decisions as well.

Above all else, if you find yourself in bed with someone you met a week or two ago, don’t expect a long term romantic relationship. You can expect heartache, though. Because now your body believes it’s in love with someone you don’t even know. You do not need physical touch to fall in love.

Stay strong and love on!

Why You Need Breathing Room

After a long time away from your significant other, the feeling of finally being back in their arms is nothing short of ecstatic. But as time passes, you might find yourself irritable, on edge or just not “you.” How, though? You’re with your love, why has the bliss changed?

It hasn’t, and neither have you. What has happened is what I like to call “over-saturation,” where you’ve literally binged on your relationship and togetherness. Remember that one time you did that crazy diet where you absolutely could not eat your favorite food? And then when the diet was over you loaded up like crazy? Well, that had consequences, didn’t it? This is no different.

After being away from each other, it’s no doubt that you both want to spend every waking moment together. I could see a few days, maybe a week or two, but anything beyond that will result in feelings going downhill. My advice? Get some alone time. Not in the manner of “I hate your guts, get away from me,” but as in “I need to collect myself.” This isn’t to say that the hating of the guts won’t happen. If you don’t get your alone time before you burst, it will happen, and it will be ugly. But that is another story.

Alone time can come in all forms. For me, it came in the form of my fiancée leaving for college classes. But then the classes ended, and I needed to find new ways to keep my sanity. Sometimes this came through doing laundry, cooking, doing dishes, or showering. Anything that got my brain to relax and focus on something other than my relationship actually helped our relationship grow stronger through the time we were together. Sometimes I didn’t even need to leave the room to find my own mind. Many nights we spent with each other but doing our own thing. I would be on my computer working on projects or browsing Pinterest or Facebook and he would be doing the same thing or gaming.

It’s not about a problem in a relationship that you need time to yourself; it’s about recognizing the need for alone time and satisfying that need before you suffer the consequences of over-saturation. Of course, anyone who lives together for an extended period of time needs alone time. I assume this is how married couples also keep their sanity. At this point, though, I see no difference between the married and dating status in my own relationship. I guess seven years with someone can have that effect.

So any way you find your peace of mind, keep it and hold onto it. You are your own person, no matter how much you feel as one with your SO. Remember that is takes two to tango.

Stay strong and love on!